Hello Ms. Bank Manager!

Things are running along smoothly at the office, and I can feel things are about to take off. We just gotta be ready for it. To that end, the boss and I went to the bank today to put my name on all the required paperwork and make it official. It was a nice expectation, but like a lot of things in life it ended up being a bit anticlimactic. We were late, bank manager lady was late. I expected her to grill the boss and me about the business and credit facilities and all that stuff, but it was really a piece of cake. We handed over old bank cards and 2 pieces of ID each and she klikklaked on her keyboard for awhile - and there we are. While we waited, the boss and I discussed Ali's green card process and he gave his two cents. At some point I realized I could see right down bank manager lady's shirt. She had perhaps one too many buttons out and even though the office attire is casual, I felt it was a little too casual. Honestly, I just kept telling myself to be glad that I deal with a different bank. Like better-dressed bank staff make better money managers. Do they? Personally, I have very little affection for this bank. Of all the banks... the company chose this one. Oh well, I'm just happy it's not my money. That is of course no reflection of my new friend at the bank. She's fairly nice, and hey she can't be all that bad - she has a cowboy hat in her office.

Pass the Purple Juice

Aaaahhhh, tell me it's not all worth it when you see this face. Actually, she's a very cranky girl. You know sometimes when you deal with heaps of shit over and over again, and then there's a big uptick? I'm in the middle of the biggest uptick since this pasty white boy caroused around Puerto Vallarta - only this time it's alcohol free.

Not only do I work for perhaps the world's best company, I was catching up on some paperwork for Ali's green card and I discovered that my old recruiter owes me about $700.00. Maybe now I can pay for those shirts... I also received a rather large package from Café Press. I had assumed that this package would never find a home because that's what Café Press told me and I got all my money back, but now I have a bunch of outfits for Foxy to wear. I'm still not going back to Café Press, the cocksuckers! Really though, I am thankful that they sent me the stuff after all.

There's so much going right right now, but I probably shouldn't brag too much. I love my job. I'm getting my recruiter a really nice gift for Hanukkah, and my old recruiter will probably get a little something for Christmas if he ponies up the dosh. Working in Canal Street isn't for everyone, but it's certainly for me. One of my bosses had to pry me away from my desk today. I actually enjoy working overtime for these guys and not getting paid for it. I'm a salaryman again. I have to bear the brunt of many jokes from Ali, but I'm glad to be finished with temping so I don't care. On the way home last night, my other boss walked a ways with me. He was surprised to learn that I take the train in everyday.

"I thought you lived in the Village", he said quickly trying to dodge the rain. I don't know where he got that idea, but I think he got it because I may have skewed slightly gay in the interview. My impeccable dress sense throws a few people off. I've been told that I can tone it down a little around the office. Fine by me, extra beauty sleep. All the Japanese chicks in the company can't wait to meet Ali and Foxy. I'm sure that some of them probably already know Ali. The world is proving to be quite small.

About Bloody Time!

Two more weeks, and it'll be the floor of my flat you see in these videos. Ali and Foxy are coming and I can't wait. By the way, can you hear that little exclamation at about 19 seconds in, right before the baby drops her head? This is about as much sound as Ali makes when she sees a problem. It could be the baby dropping it's head. Or it could be a dump truck about to t-bone your Jeep. The level of urgency doesn't matter, the sound is the same. It's just one of those things. And of course, even thought it's a little sound, Foxy senses that Ali is stressed so she starts to cry. My baby isn't stupid. Ali can be so mean to Foxy, she calls her a turtle because she can't move as quickly as some people might like. But she's mean in a loving way.

I finally started working again, and this time it's for real. Temping is for suckers! Ali couldn't be happier. Maybe now she'll stop sending me photos of a sad Foxy every day with captions like "I do not wants to starve" and stuff like that. This job rocks: no dragon ladies, just really upbeat go-getters. People always tell me I shouldn't get too excited about jobs, but this is the kind of job I've been waiting a long time for. I nearly went broke waiting for this one, so I'm super happy that I got it. When the time is right, I'm hoping to buy in. I can't say for sure, but I think Ali had a lot to do with me getting this job.

I would go out tonight and get stupid, but after what happened last time, I've reconsidered. I'm babysitting tonight. Uh huh. I popped by Orange Peel's and J's last night and helped them put their new bed frame together, and helped myself to a plate of enchiladas. Luckily, J had all the right tools to put the bed together. I thought I'd help them out a little bit more, and agreed to babysit for those two while they attend a friend's function. I've got to get a little bit of practice in before Foxy gets here anyway.

Last week, Bobby threw a bit of a party and for once he didn't ask me to serve drinks. He said it was family and friends only which meant that it wasn't a client party with canapés and champagne, and which meant I wasn't getting paid. I brought a bottle of Fat Bastard chardonnay for sharesies, but there was already so much on hand that nobody tried my grape except me, and Bobby actually sent me home with another bottle altogether. Bobby only drinks reds apparently. Who knew? Anyway, the Fat Bastard was nothing to write home about.

Even though it wasn't a client party, Bobby did ask about my former CEO. The ringmaster at the last place I worked drives a Maserati and is good friends with Bobby. He takes his Mazzer to Bobby for service and they are part of some club together. The CEO was actually a really nice guy, so I didn't mind when Bobby brought it up. He said that the guy was surprised to hear that I'd been let go, and felt bad that he never got a chance to wish me luck personally. No hard feelings. That guy was awesome to work for. Unfortunately he let someone else run the accounting department.

One more thing that seems to be going my way: The tailor is running late on my order. I called just to see what's up, only because I don't want another Café Press incident on my hands, and he was so apologetic. I told him not to worry. As long as it doesn't take too long, everything will be fine. I know what's taking them so long. It's kinda my fault for ordering special collars. I feel a little stupid now about spending all that money on suits and stuff because at the new new job, it's pretty casual but I don't think I could get away with wearing my lemon capris.

Happy Wife, Happy Life!

Randy and I went to see The Heartbreak Kid Thursday night, and it was pretty good. When I first heard the title, I thought to myself "Isn't there already a film with that name?" Indeed there is. Charles Grodin and Cybill Shepherd were in the 1972 version. I have a few issues with this film, mainly to do with the television promos. Number 1: In the first-run ad, we see a clip in which Lila (Malin Akerman) sings along to music - one of those songs being performed by Daft Punk. Was that in the movie? No. The song was cut. I was disappointed. Two other bits in the television promos include the moment when Eddie (Ben Stiller) is confronted by his wife in the hotel room wearing a mud mask. In the promo, Eddie can be heard letting out a little scream. In the movie? Nope. And again, Uncle Tito (Carlos Mencia) a.k.a Ned Holness is spliced together in the promo saying something like "She's loco" and "I can get you back to California". Right there, any Spanish speaker would know that "She's loco" is incorrect, but I just attributed that to Carlos Mencia's being about as Latino as a Taco Bell in Barrow, Alaska. The correct verbiage would have been "She's loca", and as it turns out that's not what he said at all. The actual lines were spliced together, taken out of context, and slightly less funny than in the promo. To top it off, in the most recent promo an anonymous reviewer was quoted as saying "Ben Stiller's Best Movie". Hello? Dodgeball?

Now a lot of people have been mentioning There's Something About Mary when they talk about this film, and there are a few noticeable similarities - noticeable in a geek way. Such as the mariachi band. I believe there was a pair of wandering musicians in the Cameron Diaz film. And there was old Miguel. He played a smaller role, but I think he was supposed to be like Magda, the roommate in the Cameron Diaz movie. Heavy maquillage on her I might add. There's also a cock-eyed guy who briefly appears in The Heartbreak Kid whom I've seen before and I'm pretty sure it was in There's Something About Mary, but I'm not 100 percent sure.

A couple of more things that kind of bothered me, well just one actually. We were at a free advance screening of the film - contest winners only and all that. There was a couple in the row behind us who saw fit to bring their toddler along. Don't get me wrong, the kid was extremely well behaved but I'm pretty sure she will be scarred for life given some of the things she was forced to see and hear. Female nudity aside, because there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, there was very strong language and raunchy sex scenes. Worst of all, one of the sex scenes was violent. Not a rape or anything, but one of those scenes where your partner wants you to punch them in the face and stuff. Some people like that. If you want to know what you're getting yourself into before you actually see the movie, you can check out Wheelchair Rebecca by Roy T. Wood at Atom Films for an example of this kink. Amusingly, while the video loads I got to see a promo for The Heartbreak Kid. Definitely not for kids.

So the movie didn't start properly. There was a problem with the projector, and sadly an usher decided to get up on stage and take questions from the audience. Somebody asked him to tell jokes. Given that it was an R-rated audience, I guess he felt comfortable coming back with The Aristocrats. Randy and I just kinda looked at each other like we couldn't believe our luck. Anyway, this kid riffed on the joke for like five minutes but unfortunately it wasn't long enough. The projector still wasn't fixed. Randy went to get some sodas and I sat there playing with my broken tooth. I got a chinese takeaway last week and bit down on something hard while I had a mouthful of rice. I knew exactly what it was, but it didn't hurt and I couldn't feel where it had broken off. It took me six days to notice it, and that was the day we went to the cinema. I had to play with it. I checked it in the mirror to make sure there was no cavity. I noticed that it was one of the teeth that had a gold filling. At some point during the previous six-day period, I shit gold and didn't even notice. Anyway, when I get insurance again I'll go see the Gouger and get it looked at. My dentist is called the Gouger by his colleagues, not because he isn't particularly artful but because he knows how to whip an insurance plan.

I just had an emergency call from Randy because he needs someone to sort the Cuban situation, so we'll take a brief intermission and resume the post in a few hours. It's already late anyway.

Okay, so the Cubans want me to call back on Monday, when the social director at the resort is back. Good for me, not good for Randy. Oh well. Back to the movie: The movie is about a guy who can't seem to find the right girl but is still good friends with his ex, so good in fact that he goes to her wedding and gets seated at the kids' table. This is kind of important. On the way home from the wedding he meets a girl who has just had her purse stolen and in an attempt to keep her in San Francisco he asks her to marry him. She says yes and they take a honeymoon in Cancún, where there also happens to be two boys from the kids' table. Eddie had previously told the boys that his wife had been murdered with an ice pick, so they were curious to see this guy in Mexico with a woman, especially since they had already pegged him for a gay. Eddie meets Miranda (Michelle Monaghan) whose at the resort for a family reunion. I should just add right now that Michelle Monaghan is the only person who looks better in a bikini than Ali. Lila stays in the hotel room after contracting a really bad case of sunburn. Again, a bit of a parallel to the other movie: Lila's skin condition and Dom Woganowski's skin condition. Eddie pretty much has free reign at the resort. Miranda's family thinks that Eddie is a pornographer, and at the end of an afternoon of tequila-fueled trivia games in the back of a Unimog, the boys from the kids' table inform her family that Eddie is a widower. I assume that they were playing drinking games, because that's what all the Gringoes do in the back of big yellow Unimogs. Good times. When I did it, I found that I speak Dutch pretty damn well, but tequila is a key requirement. So now Miranda's family is really suspicious of Eddie, the gallivanting widower. Eddie makes up all kinds of stories to get away from Lila, and makes one up about a supplier rep whose name is "Six Toe". He murders the lie, by making it worse and explaining that the guy has actually improved his golf game by losing six toes to frost bite. I wasn't laughing, partly because Sixto is an actual Spanish name, and there is no reason to make up such a story but mainly because I used to have a gym teacher who lost his toes to frost bite. Everyone knows that the second and the fifth toes are needed to maintain balance and thus have an improved golf game, not the first and fifth toes as Eddie tried to explain to Lila. My teacher, on the other hand had lost all the toes on one foot and walked with a heavy step on that side. Sexist bastard.

Uncle Tito totally reminded me of Jorge, the diving instructor we had in Mexico. Uncle Tito acted totally inappropriately with Lila, and Jorge totally groped Sissy and the totally hot girls from Singapore during the diving lessons - and then later grabbed a totally drunk Sissy and laid one on her as she teetered her way back to the pool deck from the toilets. Sorry if you're learning this for the first time Enzo, it's not a big deal.

Eventually, as Eddie is trying to break it off with Lila, Miranda's cousins catch him and the truth is outed. Lila thinks that Eddie is moving to Rotterdam with her, and Miranda is so disgusted by Eddie that in an attempt to flee his grasp she falls over a retaining wall and into the ocean. Eddie jumps in after her and helps her to the beach, all accompanied by the music of the mariachi band. Eddie feels that something isn't right as Miranda notices a large jellyfish on Eddie's back. She pries it off with a stick, and Lila who is at the beach by now forces Eddie into the sand and pulls up her skirt and pees on the jellyfish burn. That's something else I've noticed from the Farrelly's - little forgettable details are brought back later in the film at the height of the action (notice I didn't say hilarity) to maximize the effect. Earlier in the film, Lila questions Eddie about her pubic hair and her "kitty ring". At this point, the audience is treated to a shot of hair growth that would make my wax guy cry, and a piercing. I believe that toward the end of There's Something About Mary, there was a similar gag involving Magda, played by Lin Shaye. Shawn Michaels, the "Heartbreak Kid" allegedly makes an appearance in this film, but it must have been quick because I missed it. He got credit, so perhaps his scenes fell on the cutting room floor but neither I nor Randy saw him.

What Makes a Woman Cry?

The answer can be quite simple when it refers to a normal, average woman but when it refers to Ali, it's not. Things that make Ali cry are things like Totoro or anything by Studio Ghibli. And when her dog came back home. Not when it ran away the other day, but when the myopic, ill-mannered tick resort managed to find it's way home again she cried.

I don't think I cried when my mum sent my puppy to the pound. I got angry and demanded that my mum give me five bucks, the original cost of the puppy that she actually paid for in the first place. I think I even got another five bucks a few years later when I claimed she never paid me in the first place.

It's not even Ali's stupid dog. It's her sister's dog, but when it started to behave more like a dog and less like a puppy, the sister gave up on it. Ali, her parents and Genya Number Two have taken care of the dog the whole time so I suppose there might be some sort of emotional attachment. For all I know, she's bringing the dog with her when she gets her green card. It's actually a good dog, it just doesn't know better. If I liked dogs and they could wash themselves, it's the type of dog I would want.

Anyway, I just thought it was strange that she cried after he came back, not when he left in the first place. I got a free pass to go see The Heartbreak Kid on Thursday, and as usual I'm gonna take Randy. Maybe it'll give him something to consider about his own marriage. Actually, if he's in Cuba getting married and I'm in Cuba making sure he gets married then who will look after his cat? These are the questions that keep me awake at night. That, and when will that rash clear up?

The Heartbreak Kid stars Ben Stiller, Jerry Stiller, joke stealer Carlos Mencia and my personal favourite Sean Michaels as himself. It also stars a bunch of other people I don't know, and is directed by brothers Bobby and Peter Farrelly. This pair usually do zany movies that are good for a cheap laugh, but I'm hoping for a little more with Ben Stiller. We'll see how it goes.

After going over and over Ali's arrival plans, I recently discovered that her mum will be staying for a week only, and for four of those days, she's booked herself a room at the St. Regis using my credit card. Now I remember what she said at the wedding. I thought it was a welcome, I guess it was more of a warning: "You marry my daughter, you marry my family". So she got what she wanted - a son and a (much) better vantage point to shop from in Midtown. I'm so trusting. Less than a month away... I can't wait! Foxy is so cute.