Happy Wife, Happy Life!

Randy and I went to see The Heartbreak Kid Thursday night, and it was pretty good. When I first heard the title, I thought to myself "Isn't there already a film with that name?" Indeed there is. Charles Grodin and Cybill Shepherd were in the 1972 version. I have a few issues with this film, mainly to do with the television promos. Number 1: In the first-run ad, we see a clip in which Lila (Malin Akerman) sings along to music - one of those songs being performed by Daft Punk. Was that in the movie? No. The song was cut. I was disappointed. Two other bits in the television promos include the moment when Eddie (Ben Stiller) is confronted by his wife in the hotel room wearing a mud mask. In the promo, Eddie can be heard letting out a little scream. In the movie? Nope. And again, Uncle Tito (Carlos Mencia) a.k.a Ned Holness is spliced together in the promo saying something like "She's loco" and "I can get you back to California". Right there, any Spanish speaker would know that "She's loco" is incorrect, but I just attributed that to Carlos Mencia's being about as Latino as a Taco Bell in Barrow, Alaska. The correct verbiage would have been "She's loca", and as it turns out that's not what he said at all. The actual lines were spliced together, taken out of context, and slightly less funny than in the promo. To top it off, in the most recent promo an anonymous reviewer was quoted as saying "Ben Stiller's Best Movie". Hello? Dodgeball?

Now a lot of people have been mentioning There's Something About Mary when they talk about this film, and there are a few noticeable similarities - noticeable in a geek way. Such as the mariachi band. I believe there was a pair of wandering musicians in the Cameron Diaz film. And there was old Miguel. He played a smaller role, but I think he was supposed to be like Magda, the roommate in the Cameron Diaz movie. Heavy maquillage on her I might add. There's also a cock-eyed guy who briefly appears in The Heartbreak Kid whom I've seen before and I'm pretty sure it was in There's Something About Mary, but I'm not 100 percent sure.

A couple of more things that kind of bothered me, well just one actually. We were at a free advance screening of the film - contest winners only and all that. There was a couple in the row behind us who saw fit to bring their toddler along. Don't get me wrong, the kid was extremely well behaved but I'm pretty sure she will be scarred for life given some of the things she was forced to see and hear. Female nudity aside, because there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, there was very strong language and raunchy sex scenes. Worst of all, one of the sex scenes was violent. Not a rape or anything, but one of those scenes where your partner wants you to punch them in the face and stuff. Some people like that. If you want to know what you're getting yourself into before you actually see the movie, you can check out Wheelchair Rebecca by Roy T. Wood at Atom Films for an example of this kink. Amusingly, while the video loads I got to see a promo for The Heartbreak Kid. Definitely not for kids.

So the movie didn't start properly. There was a problem with the projector, and sadly an usher decided to get up on stage and take questions from the audience. Somebody asked him to tell jokes. Given that it was an R-rated audience, I guess he felt comfortable coming back with The Aristocrats. Randy and I just kinda looked at each other like we couldn't believe our luck. Anyway, this kid riffed on the joke for like five minutes but unfortunately it wasn't long enough. The projector still wasn't fixed. Randy went to get some sodas and I sat there playing with my broken tooth. I got a chinese takeaway last week and bit down on something hard while I had a mouthful of rice. I knew exactly what it was, but it didn't hurt and I couldn't feel where it had broken off. It took me six days to notice it, and that was the day we went to the cinema. I had to play with it. I checked it in the mirror to make sure there was no cavity. I noticed that it was one of the teeth that had a gold filling. At some point during the previous six-day period, I shit gold and didn't even notice. Anyway, when I get insurance again I'll go see the Gouger and get it looked at. My dentist is called the Gouger by his colleagues, not because he isn't particularly artful but because he knows how to whip an insurance plan.

I just had an emergency call from Randy because he needs someone to sort the Cuban situation, so we'll take a brief intermission and resume the post in a few hours. It's already late anyway.

Okay, so the Cubans want me to call back on Monday, when the social director at the resort is back. Good for me, not good for Randy. Oh well. Back to the movie: The movie is about a guy who can't seem to find the right girl but is still good friends with his ex, so good in fact that he goes to her wedding and gets seated at the kids' table. This is kind of important. On the way home from the wedding he meets a girl who has just had her purse stolen and in an attempt to keep her in San Francisco he asks her to marry him. She says yes and they take a honeymoon in Cancún, where there also happens to be two boys from the kids' table. Eddie had previously told the boys that his wife had been murdered with an ice pick, so they were curious to see this guy in Mexico with a woman, especially since they had already pegged him for a gay. Eddie meets Miranda (Michelle Monaghan) whose at the resort for a family reunion. I should just add right now that Michelle Monaghan is the only person who looks better in a bikini than Ali. Lila stays in the hotel room after contracting a really bad case of sunburn. Again, a bit of a parallel to the other movie: Lila's skin condition and Dom Woganowski's skin condition. Eddie pretty much has free reign at the resort. Miranda's family thinks that Eddie is a pornographer, and at the end of an afternoon of tequila-fueled trivia games in the back of a Unimog, the boys from the kids' table inform her family that Eddie is a widower. I assume that they were playing drinking games, because that's what all the Gringoes do in the back of big yellow Unimogs. Good times. When I did it, I found that I speak Dutch pretty damn well, but tequila is a key requirement. So now Miranda's family is really suspicious of Eddie, the gallivanting widower. Eddie makes up all kinds of stories to get away from Lila, and makes one up about a supplier rep whose name is "Six Toe". He murders the lie, by making it worse and explaining that the guy has actually improved his golf game by losing six toes to frost bite. I wasn't laughing, partly because Sixto is an actual Spanish name, and there is no reason to make up such a story but mainly because I used to have a gym teacher who lost his toes to frost bite. Everyone knows that the second and the fifth toes are needed to maintain balance and thus have an improved golf game, not the first and fifth toes as Eddie tried to explain to Lila. My teacher, on the other hand had lost all the toes on one foot and walked with a heavy step on that side. Sexist bastard.

Uncle Tito totally reminded me of Jorge, the diving instructor we had in Mexico. Uncle Tito acted totally inappropriately with Lila, and Jorge totally groped Sissy and the totally hot girls from Singapore during the diving lessons - and then later grabbed a totally drunk Sissy and laid one on her as she teetered her way back to the pool deck from the toilets. Sorry if you're learning this for the first time Enzo, it's not a big deal.

Eventually, as Eddie is trying to break it off with Lila, Miranda's cousins catch him and the truth is outed. Lila thinks that Eddie is moving to Rotterdam with her, and Miranda is so disgusted by Eddie that in an attempt to flee his grasp she falls over a retaining wall and into the ocean. Eddie jumps in after her and helps her to the beach, all accompanied by the music of the mariachi band. Eddie feels that something isn't right as Miranda notices a large jellyfish on Eddie's back. She pries it off with a stick, and Lila who is at the beach by now forces Eddie into the sand and pulls up her skirt and pees on the jellyfish burn. That's something else I've noticed from the Farrelly's - little forgettable details are brought back later in the film at the height of the action (notice I didn't say hilarity) to maximize the effect. Earlier in the film, Lila questions Eddie about her pubic hair and her "kitty ring". At this point, the audience is treated to a shot of hair growth that would make my wax guy cry, and a piercing. I believe that toward the end of There's Something About Mary, there was a similar gag involving Magda, played by Lin Shaye. Shawn Michaels, the "Heartbreak Kid" allegedly makes an appearance in this film, but it must have been quick because I missed it. He got credit, so perhaps his scenes fell on the cutting room floor but neither I nor Randy saw him.