Fugu, Flowers and Fags

Here we go. I didn't want to do this this way, but let's just say that things that were important to other people kept coming up. The next sections will be a day to day account of my most recent trip to Japan, and believe me it was all a lot more interesting as it was happening, not as I bash it out on this laptop now. Overall impressions: Apart from a slight annoyance with a tick, Japan was much better than last year. Japan was ready for me this time. It is my last day here, and I'll be typing like mad, on a Japanese keyboard no less, trying to spit it all out before the plane trip back to Jersey. Movie stuff out of the way first: Ali received a flyer or a pass or something to go see the Japanese premiere of Speed Racer starring Emile Hirsch, John Goodman and Matthew Fox, who my hairdresser supposedly gave me the same hair style as. At least now I know whom she thinks about when she uses that vibrator I got her for Christmas. Thanks for the pass, but we're going to pass. Opens July 5, so we won't be here anyway.
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I pledged. But that was about it. I did train for a few days at the beginning of the trip, but then I came down with a bit of a cold and thought I should probably rest. Rewind a bit to the very beginning - Ali wanted to take a taxi to the airport. I didn't because they are often unreliable. Guess who won that argument. So we're in the taxi after waiting for 45 minutes and calling two different companies. I'm not going to try and flag one down on the street for a trip to the airport. I fancied calling a livery service, but Ali reminded me not to overcomplicate things. We get to the airport and got priority screening. Not quite the same as priority boarding, but hey you don't get if you don't ask. That was all ruined very quickly by a very old man with OCD who may have possibly lost his keys. Homeland Security should have been on his ass, but I guess there were more pressing issues to take care of.

The flight was totally uneventful, except for an overly bitchy flight attendant who didn't have a sense of humour. Who knew asking for a gin martini would stir such emotion? British Airways material you are not, ma'am and you never will be with that attitude. Foxy was well behaved, and take off and landing were no problem for her at all. Ashi, f.k.a. Genya Number Two got us home eventually. I shaved, walked the dog and went to bed.

As I was walking the dog, it occurred to me that urban sprawl is not such a bad thing. We could go the other way and cram everybody into a really small area like Japan and see how long we enjoy that. I can't even take a pee break without the neighbours having a gawk.
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Foxy couldn't sleep so we went out at 4:00 in the morning to check out the neighbourhood. We watched telly on some vending machines, checked out the hospital and went to 7-11. I bought some oolong tea because it allegedly promotes weight loss.

Later that day, we went to visit Ali's grandmother, the one who doesn't hate white people, which is not what I thought at first. Still waiting to meet that one. Apparently, she's too busy. We got to meet Ali's aunt and cousin, not the hot one. Ali's grandfather had gone out for the day and nobody knew where he was, nor were they concerned. For a man his age, I would have been concerned. Grandma came for a walk and did some grocery shopping with us, which is nice. At least she's still got some kick. Foxy and I were still fighting jet lag so it was an early night for us.
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We went to Chiyoda to visit some friends of Ali. I had some really good donburi in a sweet restaurant on the sixth floor of an office building. Textured concrete walls, floor lighting, separate rooms for separate parties. Well done. Afterward, in the lobby, I reached into the tote bag on the baby stroller for my tea and was about to take a swig when a guy twice my size asked if he could have some. At least that's what I thought he said. It turned out though, that he was quite happy about his weight, but very unhappy that I was taking in fluids in the lobby. He told me I should do it outside. What a strange man.

We went to a nearby Tully's with Ali's Sandra Oh lookalike friend, only still hot. We discussed baby names for her kid. She didn't want to give details so we changed the topic to living in Chiyoda. I could actually handle living in Chiyoda, or Toyosu or one of the other neighbourhoods that are halfway decent.

I could feel a cold coming on so for dinner we ate fugu - sort of. Ali's dad noticed my sniffles and declared that he would cure all my ills with a little cocktail made from shochu and fugu fins. This is the same thing he offered me last year in Toyosu, but didn't trust him enough to try and what's more, he wouldn't have any either. And then more alcohol. Apparently that's good for a head cold.
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A day off. Ali's dad figured it would be a good time for more cold remedies seeing as how the fugu fins didn't work. I was starting to worry. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had not been vaccinated lately against Japanese encephalitis, or mumps or any of the creepy crawlies they have around here.

Ali's dad offered me some powders that I'm pretty sure the FDA has banned back home. We went to the baby store to get some stuff for Foxy and I couldn't take two steps without stumbling. I was flat on my back for the rest of the day.

By the way, whoever said that Japan has a declining birth rate apparently never took the opportunity to visit a suburban mall. A mall here is like a great big giant daycare. Nothing wrong with that, I was just amazed at how young some of these mothers were, already working on their second or third kid.

What the hell are these? I've never seen these flowers before and would like to know.

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A couple of Ali's friends who were in New York at the same time she was came by for lunch. It had been a long day already. Foxy and I were still fighting jet lag. Good food, good times.
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Ali's dad made some arrangements for us to stay at the home of one of his "business club" buddies in Kamakura. We checked out some Buddhist temples. Ali found the god of accounting in some caves. Sculpted into the wall. Can't be much more of a wallflower than that. Probably socially awkward. Due to a parking dispute with the world's snippiest hunchback dwarf, we had to make quick work of the sightseeing while Ashi double parked in the street.

Found her! We decided go for a "light lunch", and there she was - seating customers at the local Denny's. I'm not sure how I feel about that. She said hello. I said good bye. It was all very anticlimactic, but I finally got closure. She looked awesome. Ten years looked like nothing on her. Oh, and Denny's? The only place we went that had high chairs with belts. Everywhere else was like a bring-your-own-belt kind of place. I've noticed that Japan needs to work on it's public safety. There are numerous examples, but the relevant one in this case is that high chairs need restraints. High chairs without belts are like chocolate teapots - useless.

We had some sweet digs. Japanese style baths, but no hotsprings. Sauna, nice gardens, and rooms. Got to hang out a little with Ashi. He's actually a nice guy, but he doesn't speak any English. It was raining pretty bad so everybody hopped in the baths and waited for dinner. I weighed myself - 76.4 kilos. Nice.

Great food, but Ali's dad did that annoying thing where he asks me if I want more beer, then opens a large bottle and refuses to partake. I had to drink it all myself. He knows Ali does not approve.
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Foxy still couldn't sleep so we went to the beach while Ashi hung out at the house. People were surfing at 6:00 a.m. Nice. The beach was a little garbage-y, but that was my only complaint. No Nutella nappies that I could see, just bottles and cans barfed up by the sea.

We snapped some pics, and when Foxy had settled down we went back to the house for some breakfast. It was the first time I ever had buffet in somebody's house where it wasn't catered. We checked out some more Buddhist shrines, Oneshima Observatory, and had donburi katsudon for lunch. Then it was time for more shopping - my mother-in-law's favourite activity.

I'm not sure, but I think I made out with my mother-in-law. She bought a blue potato soft serve and helped herself. She told me to open wide. I didn't think she'd do it, I honestly didn't. She shoved the rest down my throat. Blue potato ice cream is actually pretty good. We did some more shopping and eventually it came time for Ashi to take us to the Tokyo flat. A chance to see my sister-in-law once again. What fun.

On the way back from Kamakura, the GPS system spazzed and kept telling Ashi to take a road that didn't exist. We gave him a challenge on top of the one he was already dealing with. Our special challenge - avoid all tolls on the way back to the flat. It took him about three hours, but he did it. He dropped us at the flat and took Ali's mum back to the compound. Dinner at Hotto Motto. The next time we saw Ashi, he had a brand new GPS.
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No Ashi today, but we made it to Tokyo Disneyland by noon. 25 years old and still sucking hard. I'm always amazed at what some people think is appropriate attire for a family theme park. We stayed for the night parade because we just had to, and Foxy got sick again.

Ali's mum made a surprise visit. Apparently nobody likes Disney more than her, and this whole time I thought Ali was the freak. Foxy got a Winnie the Pooh balloon, and seemed to warm up to Grandpa quite a bit.

We went back to the flat. Ali was stuffed from overpriced popcorn, so my father-in-law and I went for italian to the same place we went last year. Seafood pizza (for the second time that day) and a simple bacon and onion spaghetti plus six-dollar bread we didn't order. The restaurant was a little too cigarette-y for my taste, so we left.
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Imperial Palace. Meh. I liked it better from outside the grounds. The public half is filled with nice green spaces and gardens and proves to be a bit of a hike. Nice! You're right in the middle of Tokyo and you wouldn't even know it.

Later that night, in reference to our visit to the Imperial Residence Ali's dad would make some comments, which if taken in the worst way possible would probably amount to treason. Except that the comments were about the last emperor, not the current one, and he's dead and nobody really cares about the current one anyway.

We went down to Ginza to see my friend Yumi. I wanted to go back to the Tully's we went to last year, but that Tully's, our Tully's has shut. I suggested Doutor, slightly wincing and then repeated something Ali said to me on the way to meet Yumi, "That Doutor is expensive", motioning to their flagship cafe in 4-chome. For the next ten minutes Yumi and Ali made cheap jokes about me when really they should have been about someone else...

Japanese coffee can last for hours. We went three. We had a lot of good conversation, and I think Ali finally accepted one of my female friends. I had a brown sugar latte or something. This drink should come with it's own dentist and/or insulin shot. A lot of auxiliary water was required. By the time we left there it was dark. We had forgotten souvenirs for Yumi's nephews. She was jazzed about starting a new job, but sad about Prison Break being cancelled. We said our goodbyes and off she walked into the darkness still (I would assume) with the best tush this side of Turin.
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Day off at the compound. I took the time to write some postcards and later my father-in-law took me to the Keirin track to do some betting. I didn't know much about it, so I checked it out on Wikipedia. The training program for Keirin reminds me of the animated film The Triplets of Belleville, and Keirin itself is referenced in Kikujiro. My father-in-law walked away about a thousand bucks richer.

I suppose even if you're Sean Lennon, you have to grow up and get a job one day. He's over here repping for Honda's new model. Saving the world one celebrity-endorsed green product at a time. It could be worse I suppose. It could be Hilary Duff shilling some really gay looking cell phones.
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Road trip! First, a little bit of overlap to the previous post about Foxy's trip to see the doctor. Then onwards. Ashi didn't come with us today. He was dispatched to deal with the gardener pretty damn quick. I didn't get the whole conversation, but it was something about the hedge along the east wall being a little short. It was making the whole hedge look a little wonky. I took Foxy to the doctor. Three steps outside the pharmacy were cigarette machines where I bought these fags for Bobby: I think Camel might be on to something here. I've talked to a lot of smokers in my life, and the one thing they say they can never get enough of in their daily drag is nutty menthol. Some I spoke to said that they had started out using just plain menthol cigarettes but that they were now, then, craving something to go with that menthol flavour and the consensus was nuts. I'm pretty certain that Bobby will throw away nineteen of these cigarettes. I just want to see him try one.

We rolled in to Mashiko, in Tochigi prefecture in the early afternoon. It's about ten miles outside of Motegi, site of Danica Patrick's first, and so far only IRL victory. Just in case you're interested in stuff like that. We checked into the hotel and went for a tour of the town.

"Geez!", I thought to myself. I got the impression that Mashiko is probably the Quincy, California of Tochigi. Flashbacks of that ill-fated road trip to Nevada and ticks for some reason. Goosebumps. I figured it was a bad sign when the hotel clerk couldn't think of a kombini close by. What? They're everywhere. Apparently not in Mashiko.

Back to the hotel for a quick dip in the rotemburo before dinner. I'm still new at this so I need an onsen buddy. Sounds pretty gay, I know but before I could even get my boots off, my buddy was gone. Emphasis on quick dip. If you're the kind of person who is self-conscious about walking around a hotel in your robe, then this is not the place for you.

We took dinner at 6:00. Good food. By 7:30, we were at the clinic looking for a doctor. Foxy had another fever, and Ali didn't think Tylenol was going to take care of it this time. Emo hotel clerk turned into Emo ashi and drove us up a very windy road to the top of a mountain where the clinic was. Makes sense... I guess. Inside, the doctor at first disavowed any responsibility for infants and recommended we go to another hospital. But the night nurse came in and took control. And by control I mean she first asked for my address so that she knew where to send the bill and then she attended to Foxy. And then out of nowhere came another doctor who just popped in and wasn't actually on duty. What a guy! He did a quick check and relayed to my wife that it wasn't glandular so it probably wasn't meningitis. Thank you sir, but please don't tell me what it is not, rather what it IS that is making my baby sick.

The nurse told Ali that she needed both parents' consent for the next step, and we assented. Thirty seconds and one anal suppository later and it was all over. Back in the van to the hotel. Oh, and the bill? The doctor laughed and dismissed me in that international way and told me that the billing department was closed, but that it won't be so much. If I don't pay, it's not like they can collect anyway. Back at the hotel, I went to the onsen by myself.
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It's 7:30 in the morning and I'm sitting outside naked in the rotemburo listening to some rather calming music, thinking about how nice things can be in Japan. A rather weak version of Amazing Grace on violin starts and then cuts out abruptly as the waterfall begins for the first time this morning. Ahh. Again, all by myself. Nobody wants to sit in the onsen with the foreigner and his big dango balls. Life is good. It's the little things about Japan that make it what it is. I weighed myself - 98.5 89.5 kilos. Sonofabitch!

Breakfast. Pack. Clear out safe. Checkout. Foxy was feeling better, but the car ride did not look promising. Just inside Ibaraki, she had a meltdown. We stopped and bought some goodies, including a soda pop that has a marble in the bottle. WTF!? Just when you need the drink the most, the little marble comes down and blocks the bottleneck. Damn! Eventually, I finished and Foxy had a new rattle that she promptly dumped as soon as we got back in the car. We went back to the compound and later that night I watched Terminator which is even better in Japanese because you don't have to listen to Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice. It's dubbed.
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We went around to Nakano and hung out with some of Ali's friends. One is married to an ex-pat and he's been living in Japan for almost five years. He's got a nice house, 1.5 kids, a car and he nearly had me sold on the whole moving to Japan thing. Nearly. He said he'd give it all up for a decent tube of toothpaste. Yup, toothpaste. There's a lot of good reasons to stay here and a lot of bad ones, such as: adequate dental care. Of which he says there isn't any. And then there was his respiratory condition. Possibly not Japan-related, but I don't want that to happen to me or my kid. This is one of those situations where I want to eat my cake and have it too. Technically, living in Japan and being back home are mutually exclusive opportunities, unless I want to be sneaky. I think Foxy's best chance is to be back in New Jersey. It comes down to one thing: ticks, really. I hate ticks. I hate all disease-carrying parasites, but ticks seem to be getting a free ride in Japan. Nobody here seems to have heard of Lyme Disease, or cares enough to get rid of the things; which, in fairness as far as I know, are not the type to carry Lyme Disease. They do however carry other bacteria that cause various fevers. I don't have to settle for it in Newark, and I won't settle for it in Tokyo. Besides, why should I deprive my daughter of the awesomeness of being American?

I actually had one land on my chest yesterday as we were leaving the compound. I shit bricks and when Ali's mum asked me what was wrong, Ali had the nerve to say in Japanese, "It's not a tick" after I specifically said that it was. I flicked it outside, but that did nothing to address the larger problem. Makes me feel sad for the gardener. Came back from Nakano and ate sashimi and onion rings, and watched Mao Asada on the telly.

One of my least favourite things about Japanese television is the overabundance of one-trick ponies. For example, there's a guy whose only schtick is to contort his face every time he says a certain syllable. He's one of the innumerable celebrities in Japan who make you ask yourself how much pole they had to smoke to get that gig. I've got more talent than that guy. In fact, I've started writing material for a manzai act that Ali wants to do together. More on why that probably will never see the light of day below. Forget me, there are several people I saw last year who have disappeared from the spotlight because their talents, presumably aren't as good as this guy's. But that's the killer. They are better, way better.
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Ali was feeling feverish, possibly from a tick bite (Do I fixate or what?) so we bailed on some more of her friends. It's okay, the only one she wanted to see was also feeling sick. We'd catch her the next day anyway.

I settled in for a nice, easy day at the computer and quickly tired of it. My father-in-law took me to one of his favourite cheap restaurants called Gusto. It was jammed full of school kids who should have been in class in my opinion. But they weren't and I think I know why my father-in-law likes this restaurant, and it's not the food. Gusto Coke - not the same as American Coke.

We came back, expecting to visit more relatives, but Ali had other plans. In her best I'm-not-telling-you-not-to-come-I'm-just-telling-you-that-you'll-be-bored voice, she talked me out of visiting more relatives, in particular the hot cousin.
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We went to Kaminarimon to see Ali's friend who we missed the day before. We did some souvenir shopping for the folks back home, went and saw some quirky museum in Kappabasho, and then Ali's friend decided to show me a strip club. Sixty bucks just to get in, and there's no alcohol so that explains the cover. We didn't go in - no way I'm gonna pay sixty bucks to see some tired old titties. Got some photos of whale meat in a can for Randy because he finds that stuff funny. Couldn't buy any though, the shop was closed. Actually taking whale meat back home for Randy would have been hilarious.

We went for lunch at Tempura Sansada, reputedly the best tempura restaurant in the neighbourhood. So-so I guess. Then we went for coffee in a little place that I think originally was constructed as simply a landing for the staircase between the floors above and below this cafe. But hey, what do I know? Ali got her fortune done at Kaminarimon, which I knew was a bad idea, but you can't really stop her from doing anything. So for the rest of the afternoon I had to hear about how her fortune says that she's with the wrong guy and blah, blah, blah. On the way back to the compound I explained to her why I probably won't be moving to Japan any time soon (or more likely ever), and put it in such a way that she quit her yammering.
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And there it is. My latest trip to Japan. Off to catch a plane.